Fashionably Wise

Considering I love fashion,
  (and even though I would never call myself a fashionista)

I thought I would start featuring pieces that have become essentials in my life!

This first piece arrived at my apartment not that long ago.
I was head over heals the first time I gazed upon it on pinterest.
And although it was the quote that grabbed my attention,
  the handiwork of metal and leather held my interest.

I'm proud to present:

My permanent accessory from philanthropyfashion.com!

Let me tell you a little about Philanthropy Fashion.

The website has all sorts of features, including items you can buy. It includes everything from necklaces (Giving Keys) to bracelets (L&Es) to shirts and handbags. The items purchased help fund charitable donations. So now, you're looking stylish AND supporting a great cause.

The bracelet I purchased is actually a combination of three items: 2 braided leather bands and 1 L&E sentiment.

You can mix and match leather pieces and sentiments (they have A TON!) as you find items that tug on your heartstrings. My next purchase from them will be a wide leather cuff (when they stop selling out so quickly!) and the L&E sentiment "Not all who wander are lost". I'm also loving the "Giving Keys" necklaces- inscribed with one word, they are meant to be worn and then given to someone when you feel the moment is right. Great philosophy on literally- paying it forward.

Just look at all the great things they have!

So waste no time! Check out philanthropyfashion.com RIGHT NOW!

38 Days Strong

This is day Number 38.

38 Days straight of work.
     Not one single day off.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to my weekend off.
I have many things to share with you and I keep hoping soon I will be able to so more blogging.

But until then, and even amidst 38 days straight, this song rings truer than I have ever known before...

This could really be a good life.

Life is what you make it, my friends. 

Busy Worker Bee

So...
I've definitely been absent in the posting.
Sorry about that!

I actually just returned home from one job (at 11:00pm) and have to wind down in order to wake up at 5am tomorrow for another job, where I will work for 10 hours. And then head over to sell some plasma.

This is day number 17 in a row for me. And I have another 15 to go before I have a day off.
When it's all said and done. I'll have worked 45 days with a total of two days off. Yikes!

BUT then I have a weekend off in Chicago. Boy, am I gonna be thankful for that!

So pardon my absence. My life has been a blur of serving tables, changing diapers, constructing emails, and getting stuck with needles for money.

I hope to stir up a little energy within the next few days and write a decent post :)

Hope all is well with the rest of you!

Emotional Pep Talk

Considering the last two posts have consisted of my inner self,

I thought I would lighten the mood and post a little pep talk.

If your life is anything like mine,

it's not perfect.

BUT I am continuously blessed in so many ways.

I might have to work four jobs and sell my plasma to pay all my bills,

but I have friends and family who love me,

two cats that make me smile,

a running car,

a city that has many free exploration opportunities,

and a bright future.

Come this May,

I am hoping to make the BIG move to California.

I am looking to go back to undergrad for a Psych degree and then onto grad school for Clinical Psychology.

I don't have any family out there and just one friend,

BUT

Life is all about taking chances, taking risks, and pushing forward.

and despite how much I am in love with my [now] home,

I know that in order to continue to grow,

this is a step I must take.

Life is grand and Life is beautiful.

It is full of unknowns, devastations, celebrations, tears, laughter, and joy.

A quote I have always held dear to my heart:


 "He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.” - Alexandre Dumas

Past Karma

Written Circa October 2011


You should know you're a liar.
From the tip of the tongue you kissed me with
to the end of the fingers that caressed me.
You lied.

Told me it would all be alright if I just took another shot,
poured another drink
stole just one more kiss,

But you had no intention on following through.
We both knew we could never be lovers, but you
You promised we would always be friends.

It's the only reason I kissed you.
The only reason I let you undress me with your hands,
instead of just your eyes.
The only reason I opened up to you.

You told me we were friends.
Not lovers. No never. But always friends.

Well fuck you.

Because it's been months since I've kissed you
and months since you've called.
My words are met with dial tone and dead air.

I don't want your body.
I don't want to wrap my fingers around yours.

We said never lovers. But you promised,
always friends.

And FUCK YOU.

You apologized for his mistake.
You said you would take the pain if you could.
Said you didn't understand how he could walk away after all his beautiful promises to me.

You said, with our bodies warm, tingling, and intertwined. No, never lovers but always friends.

Well you should know I think you're a liar.
You should know that I hate what you did to me.
You should know that you hurt me worse than him.

You should know, Every night,
I wish...

If only lovers, and never friends.

Open Exposure

The primary reason I started this blog was to have an outlet.
A place where I could share thoughts, ideas, conflicts, etc without having to worry about offending people.
It's why none on my friends or family know about this blog.
It's why I'm not sending friends to my site,
or writing blogs as if I am keeping far away family updated on my life.

NO ONE who knows me in person knows of this site.

It is my freedom.

Now that being said,

 I haven't done as much sharing as I would like.

 Perhaps it's because the internet can be a scary thing.

 Once it's out there, it's there for everyone or anyone to see. Permanently. 

In fact, I once blogged (via MSN spaces or what have you) circa 8th grade a poem that I wrote.

And thanks to my recent googling myself, I discovered someone, somewhere had added the poem on a writer's website. Though thankfully they gave me the credit I was owed (admirable). But it served as a reminder that you never know when things will pop up on the internet. However, it's also an excellent reminder that we should be careful what leaves our lips (and fingertips) as we are never allowed to take it back, delete it, redo it, or clear it away. We should be careful to speak uplifting words, encouraging words, and show other grace and mercy in each moment of our lives.

So here's a piece. of me. From a night/entire spring that I remember so vividly. 

Escape

Be still. just like this stagnant water.

keep that breath bottled up inside your lungs

under lock and key

because I'm afraid I'll steal it from you.

Faint stars are leading me away from you

Let me go. Don't follow me over the bridge.

It's right angle turns will keep you from chasing too fast after me.

Baby, don't trip.

The damp seeps in through my feet

the sound of my own laughter spins

my mind around.

I'll just lay here and melt into the ground.

Please don't speak my name.

You're making it hard to escape,

with your fingers curled up in my hair.

And although I don't love you, I surrender.

Control me. 

just one more time. 

         circa April 2011                       .

Me Time

Precious, precious Me Time.

How I take thee for granted all too often.

My life is...busy.
I have four jobs and a relationship.
I still struggle to make ends meet and I'm pretty sure I'm currently behind on at least 3 bills.

So Me Time gets pushed aside. A LOT.


So night's like these, where I come home from one job, light my holiday scented candles,
turn on a steady flow of artists like: Florence + the machine, Elle Goulding, Mumford&Sons, Jessica Lee Mayfield, Adele, The Avett Brothers, etc.
are beautiful gifts of serenity.

As I said, my life is busy
and I struggle to pay all my bills.
Did I mention, I struggle to pay my bills?

That being the case,
I often feel stressed out.
Much more than I would like.
I mean, let's be honest,
by nature, I'm wound up pretty tight.
I can be a perfectionist, a control freak, an overachiever (the list goes on)
but I try to keep myself from stressing.
Stress is like a poison that seeps through your veins and into your attitude.
It affects the ones we care about most,
as we often take it out on our loved ones.

I'm a big believer/fan of loving on people,
so the last thing I want to to is to burden another person
by saying something harsh or uncalled for.

Moral of the Story?

When life leaves me stressing,

it's normally because I've been neglecting Me Time.

I wish I was one of those "always peaceful/centered" people

BUT I'm one of those "continuously remind myself to chill out" people.

And all in all,

I like who I am.

And I adore the people around me.

BUT

I can't always be around them.

I need my space, my thoughts, my journal, and my candles

to remind me of my center

my balance

my life.

Me Time is crucial to my survival.

And whenever I start to become annoyed by those around me,

I am aware that it is not the others that have the problem,

but myself,

and (most likely) my lack of Me Time.

So here's a cheer to Me Time.

EXACTLY what I needed this week.

Without knowing what I am and Why I am here,

Life is impossible

-Leo Tolstoy

P.S. Missing California and the Ocean today...

True Colors

Welcome to me.
A ball full of good intentions and millions of unfinished projects.

I struggle with continuity. I struggle with discipline. I struggle with sticking with it.

I get bored easily. I get distracted easily. I get sidetracked every five minutes.

This blog is already a wonderful example. It started with a slew of entries and then nothing. For two months. Yup, sure sounds like me.

But I'm back at it. Currently inspired by the Christmas music playing on my computer. I know. It's not even Thanksgiving. I normally have a rule- no Christmas talk before Thanksgiving. Similar to my - no Thanksgiving talk before Halloween. I get frustrated with how quickly department stores push through holidays. Using family traditions to market and make money. But I'm succumbing to the guilty pleasure of Christmas music and just calling it holiday music. Because I CAN.

See, throughout my childhood, I dreaded holidays. Dreaded, despised, hated, loathed. Whichever word works to get the point across. It was inevitable that there was fighting, there was anger, and there was always some crying. Actually, more like a lot of crying. I am a child of divorce. I'm a child of a dysfunctional family (although these days, who isn't?!) Holidays were simply a reminder that my life was complicated, messy. My immediate family was chaotic and often treated me much as much older than the little girl I was. I am thankful for the way it made me grow up so quickly. Thankful for the way it taught me how to read emotions. Thankful for the ways it showed me how to pacify people. My communication skills most definitely got their start from spending time with my family. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

The holidays, however, remained a dreaded tradition. Until I moved away and began living my own life. And three years ago, right around this time, I declared that I was taking my holidays back. I was reclaiming these precious celebrations. I was tired of running from my past. It was time to define my future.

And that's exactly what I've been doing since then. Taking back my holidays. I've spent 4th of July alone, hosted an Orphan Thanksgiving, grabbed drinks with friends on Christmas Eve, and ate Lucky Charms for my Easter lunch. I've also started my own traditions- Macy's 8th floor, Adventure behind Minnehaha Falls, baking my own assortment of Christmas cookies, and many more.

I'm looking forward to sharing more holiday agenda items as they happen. I am so blessed and will be spending Thanksgiving in New York this year. I am eagerly (with a bit of nervousness) anticipating meeting my boyfriend's mother. The trip should be filled with plenty of new lessons and learning moments. I really am counting down the days!

So there's this boy...

Men and Women. Together.

Just proof that God has a sense of humor.

Sometimes I don't see how two people of the same species can be so entirely opposite. And therein lies the beauty of it. Hopelessly drawn to each other, decade after decade. We have somehow managed to not die out. Somehow managed to make it work, despite our obvious differences. Lovers are found, families created, and lives propelled forward to continue the cycle.

I'm no exception to the age old theory that opposite attract. I've also had a weakness for men in my life. Men that need fixing. I tend to be a fixer. I like to hear/see a problem and think of a solution. I do have doses of empathy and sympathy, but I'm not a large fan of complaining without thinking of a solution. I'm also a big believer in people- in their worth, in their potential, in the great gifts they have been given, in their talents, and in encouraging them to use them. However, in the past (and unfortunately, I'm sure in my future as well) I have been too far ahead of those I'm trying to "fix". I have always struggled with the concept of "to each their own" and it is something I have only recently begun to really live by. Don't get me wrong, I believe that we should all have compassion for one another, we should all seek to empathize with each other, we should all live Ubuntu, but not everyone is on the same path. Not everyone is made of the same fabric. It is our differences, our personalities that make this world so wonderfully big and beautiful

So in the past year and a half that I have really been trying to do some soul searching, changing the way I do relationships has been on the agenda.

And what do you know, when I least expected it, I had this wonderfully, completely opposite man drop into my life. Someone who mutually revels in the joy that is in every moment of life, and yet someone who sees the world in a completely different way from me. Someone who is spontaneous for my planning. Someone who is laid back for my high strung. Someone who is outgoing for my occasional quietness. Someone who lives deeply in each and every moment for my eternal future outlook. And although I don't know exactly where this relationship will head, I know that I want to do it differently than before. I want to do it right this time. I want to stop looking for excuses, reasons to leave, things to fix and I want to start seeing this incredible person before my eyes.

I stumbled (literally! via stumbleupon.com) across this quote and can't help but share it, in all its magnificence:


After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.

~Veronica A. Shoffstall

Be Where You Are.

My entire life has revolved around school. Seriously. I was one of those crazy kids who couldn't wait to get on the bus for school and hated missing a single day, even in kindergarten. I was an annoyingly highstrung high schooler who wouldn't let myself do anything fun until my homework was completed- perfectly (my parents really lucked out on that one!). And I finished college as a worn down, burnt out, confused graduate in Urban Planning. Just one little thing, I had always been so obsessed about school, the grades, the papers, the tests, that I had forgotten to figure out exactly what it was I wanted to do with my life. I may have graduated with a stellar GPA, but I started to realize that I didn't want the life it had set me up for. I didn't want to pursue a career in the subject I had spent 4 years studying. Somewhere in those 4 years, I had forgotten that school is meant to be a means to an end, not the other way around.
So here I sit, with a Bachelor of Science in Urban Planning (a predominately male saturated field, mind you) and not a damn idea what to do with it. Instead, I'm working 4 jobs two of which involve changing dirty diapers and one which consists of being degraded while getting my customers another round of diet cokes and cheesy biscuits. I can't help thinking where I went wrong. Except.

 I don't feel that way.
 At all.

Sure, it would be great to not have to discipline other people's children or to not be spoken to like I am a stupid servant, but honestly, I enjoy my 3 days a week where I get to sleep in until 10am instead of waking up at 6am to put on a business suit and conquer the world. I am more than content to work, and work hard, at my 4 jobs and try to save a little of cash money while I prepare to go (yup, you guessed it) back to school.

This time, I'm hoping my perfectionism won't get the best of me and I will stay focused on the fact that school is temporary, but what I am preparing for is long term. The moral of the story, for all you that are wondering where this rambling is going (lest you forget that the title is Worth and Wisdom, with a little wackiness and laughter thrown in) is that you don't have to have a set plan. That you really don't answer to anyone besides yourself in terms of your happiness. And that if you wake up every morning with a smile on your face and joy in your heart, that is really half the battle.

Take it from a crazy, driven, perfectionist. People will always tell you what you should be doing with your time, how much money you should be making, and what you should be doing to prepare for your future. But they don't hold your answers. Only you do. And perhaps if I had stopped being concerned with "fulfilling my potential" by relentlessly chasing after my academic goals, I would have taken some time to realize that I didn't even like what I was learning. So don't forget to breathe, to know that you have your whole life to "achieve your potential", and take some time to see that your potential is really the way you handle your life each and every day you wake up. If you wake up happy, willing to help and love on others, than I think you have accomplished more than any doctorate recipient. It's a lesson that cost me $33 thousand dollars in student loans to learn. But considering that many people die without ever learning that lesson, I would say it was worth every single penny.

My Hero

This may seem cliche, but I owe almost everything I am to my mother. It's true that I wouldn't be a quarter of the person I am without her influence. As a child of an early divorce, my mother became one of the largest influences in my life. I'm positive it wasn't easy to raise me. Trust me, I live with myself on a day to day basis and I am all too aware of how stubborn, loud, talkative, and opinionated I can be. But somehow, as she was struggling to regain her very own footing, she taught me how to find mine. My mother is the type of person who picked up extra nursing shifts to buy her daughter those coveted white lace-up high heel boots. The type of person who seamlessly transitioned from ordering all her clothes out of expensive magazines to not buying a single clothing item for herself for many many years. She is the type of person who never pitted me against my father, but instead spent hours making sure I knew I was loved by both of them. She never made me feel guilty, responsible, or the cause of my parents divorce, though I am all too aware that my existence permanently changed the dynamic of the household. My mother is the type of person who claims to be too judgmental, too opinionated, not very nice and yet still manages to make everyone feel right at home. Growing up, the tough (for me) fact is that my friends only came to hang out at my house to visit with my mother. She has this way about her, this tone, that makes you immediately open up and begin spilling your soul. My mother is the type of person that has always fought for the underdog and never taken wealth and prestige seriously. She is the reason that I won't let my friends use the words "retarded" or "gay" as replacements for stupid. She is the reason that I can't stand when people are judged on their looks instead of their intelligence. SHE is the reason I can't stand when people look the other way when someone is suffering. My mother is the reason I know what compassion means. The reason I know what Grace and Forgiveness mean. She has always been there to remind me to believe in people, even against all odds. She has always reminded me that I need to believe in myself as well. My biggest cheerleader and my biggest critic. My mother is still the most consistent person in my life to date. There has never been a single moment where I have felt that she doesn't love me. Despite our many fights during my teenage years, I rested assured that no matter how much pushing back I did, she would never push me away. Years later, we still don't always see eye to eye, but I love the fact that I never have to walk on eggshells around her. I am never afraid that I might say something too forward, too opinionated, demand too much, reveal too much; I know she will never walk away from me. She is my mother and I am her daughter. Recently my mother moved hundreds of miles away from me. Away from the town I grew up in, away from the rest of her family, because for the first time in almost 21 years, she began to think about her own needs again. Failing health left her looking for a warmer place to live, and I knew that in order to even think about moving far away from me, she must have been in a lot of pain. Still, she asked me several times if I was ok with her moving and made me promise that I would tell her if I needed her to stay. Not just once, but many many times. Each time, I reassured her that I wanted nothing more in the world than for her to start taking care of her self, for her to be just the smallest amount of selfish, for her to recognize that she had sacrificed herself for my sake for much too long. Before she moved away, she and I got semi-matching tattoos. Behind our right ears, we have the script for mother and daughter respectively in Hebrew text. Wherever I go in life, whatever I do, and no matter how far away we find ourselves- She will always be my mother and I will always, always be her daughter. I love you mom and I am eternally grateful for the woman that you have been and continue to be.