Past Karma

Written Circa October 2011


You should know you're a liar.
From the tip of the tongue you kissed me with
to the end of the fingers that caressed me.
You lied.

Told me it would all be alright if I just took another shot,
poured another drink
stole just one more kiss,

But you had no intention on following through.
We both knew we could never be lovers, but you
You promised we would always be friends.

It's the only reason I kissed you.
The only reason I let you undress me with your hands,
instead of just your eyes.
The only reason I opened up to you.

You told me we were friends.
Not lovers. No never. But always friends.

Well fuck you.

Because it's been months since I've kissed you
and months since you've called.
My words are met with dial tone and dead air.

I don't want your body.
I don't want to wrap my fingers around yours.

We said never lovers. But you promised,
always friends.

And FUCK YOU.

You apologized for his mistake.
You said you would take the pain if you could.
Said you didn't understand how he could walk away after all his beautiful promises to me.

You said, with our bodies warm, tingling, and intertwined. No, never lovers but always friends.

Well you should know I think you're a liar.
You should know that I hate what you did to me.
You should know that you hurt me worse than him.

You should know, Every night,
I wish...

If only lovers, and never friends.

Open Exposure

The primary reason I started this blog was to have an outlet.
A place where I could share thoughts, ideas, conflicts, etc without having to worry about offending people.
It's why none on my friends or family know about this blog.
It's why I'm not sending friends to my site,
or writing blogs as if I am keeping far away family updated on my life.

NO ONE who knows me in person knows of this site.

It is my freedom.

Now that being said,

 I haven't done as much sharing as I would like.

 Perhaps it's because the internet can be a scary thing.

 Once it's out there, it's there for everyone or anyone to see. Permanently. 

In fact, I once blogged (via MSN spaces or what have you) circa 8th grade a poem that I wrote.

And thanks to my recent googling myself, I discovered someone, somewhere had added the poem on a writer's website. Though thankfully they gave me the credit I was owed (admirable). But it served as a reminder that you never know when things will pop up on the internet. However, it's also an excellent reminder that we should be careful what leaves our lips (and fingertips) as we are never allowed to take it back, delete it, redo it, or clear it away. We should be careful to speak uplifting words, encouraging words, and show other grace and mercy in each moment of our lives.

So here's a piece. of me. From a night/entire spring that I remember so vividly. 

Escape

Be still. just like this stagnant water.

keep that breath bottled up inside your lungs

under lock and key

because I'm afraid I'll steal it from you.

Faint stars are leading me away from you

Let me go. Don't follow me over the bridge.

It's right angle turns will keep you from chasing too fast after me.

Baby, don't trip.

The damp seeps in through my feet

the sound of my own laughter spins

my mind around.

I'll just lay here and melt into the ground.

Please don't speak my name.

You're making it hard to escape,

with your fingers curled up in my hair.

And although I don't love you, I surrender.

Control me. 

just one more time. 

         circa April 2011                       .

Exposed Brick Walls

I know I should complete a real post.
One about NYE fashion and what fun adventures I'll be having.

Unfortunately. I'll be working. Serving up Shrimp and Lobster.
Fun.Fun.
I'm hoping to rake in the cash though and start 2012 off on a better, less broke, note.


So seeing as how I just finished work tonight and have to get some chores done before bedtime and work tomorrow, I thought I would post briefly about one of my favorite obsessions =

Exposed Brick Walls

I would sacrifice a lot in an apartment (or future home) if I could just have an exposed brick wall. 

In the kitchen

In the living room

In the bedroom

Heck, even in the bathroom!

A.N.Y.W.H.E.R.E.

So join me in my obsession and fantasize about having these rooms in your life...

Winter Goodies

Shame on me.

I forgot how much I adore cooking and baking.
Seriously. I adore it.

Whenever finals would stress me out, you could, without fail, find me in the kitchen.
Then came June 2011, where I believed I had no working stove.
For. Six. Months.

Since having my stove "fixed", I have been eager to get back in the kitchen.
After work last night, I rushed to the grocery store and gathered ingredients for:

Chili
Stuffed Mushrooms
Gluten-Free Cornbread
Gluten-Free Banana Bread  (Mom's allergic to gluten [and is coming into town on THURS!])
Cranberry Orange Oatmeal Cookies
Chewy Molasses Cookies

Then I hurried home and started cooking like a mad woman (with the genius, Florence, playing in the background!)


Chili first!


Recipe HERE!

I am incapable of following any recipe exactly. It's the inner foodie in me :)
I cut the recipe in half to start with.
Then I used half regular Italian Sausage, half Hot Italian Sausage
Also used half spicy chili beans, half black beans
and 1/4 of the called for onion.

I have to say,
I'm pretty impressed with the outcome.
I let it simmer for over three hours and it turned out like a dream.
Even the boy thought it was fantastic.
I'll definitely be keeping this recipe around, with the added changes, of course!

Cranberry Orange Oatmeal Cookies

The recipe is HERE!

These tasted AMAZING in the pre-cooked stage.
I used 1 tsp Vanilla and 1/2 tsp Almond
And a handful of cherry soaked dried cranberries to spice it up.

Unfortunately, I'm still learning the temperature change of my stove and I burned the first batch.
The second batch survived, but the oven was cooking the top before the middle even started to cook.
Baking might be a problem in this oven. I'm sure I'll work out the kinks in no time though!

If you're a fan of Chili, please please please try this recipe!

I promise you'll love it.

And please feel free to share any Chili recipes of your own!

I would love to give them a shot and let you know what I think!

Me Time

Precious, precious Me Time.

How I take thee for granted all too often.

My life is...busy.
I have four jobs and a relationship.
I still struggle to make ends meet and I'm pretty sure I'm currently behind on at least 3 bills.

So Me Time gets pushed aside. A LOT.


So night's like these, where I come home from one job, light my holiday scented candles,
turn on a steady flow of artists like: Florence + the machine, Elle Goulding, Mumford&Sons, Jessica Lee Mayfield, Adele, The Avett Brothers, etc.
are beautiful gifts of serenity.

As I said, my life is busy
and I struggle to pay all my bills.
Did I mention, I struggle to pay my bills?

That being the case,
I often feel stressed out.
Much more than I would like.
I mean, let's be honest,
by nature, I'm wound up pretty tight.
I can be a perfectionist, a control freak, an overachiever (the list goes on)
but I try to keep myself from stressing.
Stress is like a poison that seeps through your veins and into your attitude.
It affects the ones we care about most,
as we often take it out on our loved ones.

I'm a big believer/fan of loving on people,
so the last thing I want to to is to burden another person
by saying something harsh or uncalled for.

Moral of the Story?

When life leaves me stressing,

it's normally because I've been neglecting Me Time.

I wish I was one of those "always peaceful/centered" people

BUT I'm one of those "continuously remind myself to chill out" people.

And all in all,

I like who I am.

And I adore the people around me.

BUT

I can't always be around them.

I need my space, my thoughts, my journal, and my candles

to remind me of my center

my balance

my life.

Me Time is crucial to my survival.

And whenever I start to become annoyed by those around me,

I am aware that it is not the others that have the problem,

but myself,

and (most likely) my lack of Me Time.

So here's a cheer to Me Time.

EXACTLY what I needed this week.

Without knowing what I am and Why I am here,

Life is impossible

-Leo Tolstoy

P.S. Missing California and the Ocean today...